"Men of few words are the best men." - William Shakespeare, King Henry V, Act III, Scene II

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

QMBC XXIII: Wetlands


Charlotte Roche

The Globe, George's St, Dublin.
15th October 2013

One Sentence Summaries

Ramius Valderón: itS MEGMA once you BRAKE the back of it.

Mycroft Webb: Charlotte Roche. More like Hot Rectal Chore.

William Clay: Scheisse.

Whitby Syme: "Charlotte, that's a helluva book. What do you call it?" "The Aristocrats!"

Carl Jameson: (no one sentence summary provided)

Tiger McGavin (in absentia): Wetlands? You mean "Let's try and shove it up my ass"-lands.

(McGavin went on...) It was a book that added nothing to society or to literary sciences. It should be burned, like I wanted to burn my eyes after reading it.


Whitby Syme: 31/83
Characters: 10/20
Execution: 12/20
Food for thought: 4/10
Plot: 5/20
Extra points: 0/13

Carl Jameson: 44/83
Lady info: 20/20
Quincey Morrisness: 4/10
Butt stuff: 20/53

Ramius Valderón: 19/83
Plot: 4/20
Plausibility: 1/23
Body exploration: 10/20
Length and girth: 4/18

Mycroft Webb: 44/83
Interestingness: 12/20
Well writtenness: 15/25
Plot: 4/15
Quincey Morrisness: 3/13
Weird bonernicity: 10/10

William Clay: 2/83
Dislikable characters: 6/10
Memorableness (unfortunate): 7/10
Motion sickness: 3/5 days
Quincey Morrisness: 0/15
All that's good and decent in Christendom: -14/43

Tiger McGavin: 15/83

Wetlands earned a QMBC rating of 25.83 / 83.

This score makes Wetlands the most poorly received book read by the QMBC to date, perhaps stirring up nostalgia for the heady days when we enjoyed works like Galileo's Dream or The Cobra. It seems useful at this juncture to view the rating in context:

One might look for trends in such a chart, though I fear the only conclusion we can draw is that the gentlemen of the QMBC are as capable today of polishing published words in their nomination pitches, as they were when the infamous Hero with a Thousand Faces was brought before the group.

Jameson, on pitching Wetlands, aroused certain anticipations in the group which, when confronted with the reality of the book, were struck down as if by the proverbial wooden spoon in the hand of a legitimate masseuse.


The theme for this meeting's nominations was 'classics'.

William Clay:
- Confessions of an English Opium-Eater by Thomas De Quincey
- Three Men on the Bummel by Jerome K. Jerome

Whitby Syme:
- Lord Jim by Joseph Conrad
- Seven Pillars of Wisdom by T. E. Lawrence

Carl Jameson:
- The Man Who Folded Himself by David Gerrold
(Jameson acknowledged that a novel from 1973 could hardly be considered a classic, except as a classic of the time-travelling-sex-with-self genre.)

Mycroft Webb:
- Moby Dick by Herman Melville

The Voting

Three Men on the Bummel------
Lord Jim-100200100-400
Seven Pillars300300300--900
The Man Who Folded Himself----100100
Moby Dick100-100200300700

Next: Seven Pillars of Wisdom
Nearly: Confessions of an English Opium-Eater

Monday, August 26, 2013

QMBC XXII: Me Talk Pretty One Day


Me Talk Pretty One Day
David Sedaris

O'Neills, Suffolk St, Dublin.
26th August 2013

One Sentence Summaries

Tiger McGavin: Le coq sport'daris.

Carl Jameson: Me Thought Pretty Funny Gay.

William Clay: Nil point.

Guisseppe Wellman: Me Read Happy All the Way, Hard to Better this.

Ramius Valderón: As the book rots to a black pulp me nibble it occasionally.

Mycroft Webb: Naughtobiographical.

Whitby Syme: Funny book.


Ramius Valderón: 47/83
Writing style likeability: 12/20
Plot: 0/20
Humour peak: 35/43

William Clay: 34/83

Mycroft Webb: 48/83
Well writtenness: 12/20
Action: 3/10
Unputdownableness: 10/15
Characters: 11/23
Humour: 12/15

Carl Jameson: 53/83

Tiger McGavin: 61/83
Interestingness: 15/15
Well writtenness: 13/13
Sexiness: 4/8
Action: 8/13
Quincey Morrisness: 3/14
Unputdownableness: 18/20

Whitby Syme: 47/83
Characters: 14/20
Execution: 15/20
Food for thought: 2/10
Plot: 8/20
Extra points: 8/13

Guisseppe Wellman: 48/83
Page turnability: 21/28
Comedic value: 22/27
Future impactness on my life: 5/27

Me Talk Pretty One Day earned a QMBC rating of 48.29 / 83.


The theme for this meeting's nominations was books which were written in a language other than English.

Ramius Valderón:
- A Pimp's Notes by Giorgio Faletti

Guisseppe Wellman:
- The Trial and Death of Socrates by Plato

William Clay:
- Planet of the Apes by Pierre Boulle

Mycroft Webb:
- Blindness by Jose Saramago

Carl Jameson:
- Wetlands by Charlotte Roche

Whitby Syme:
- Genocidal Organ by Project Itoh

Tiger McGavin:
- Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami

The Voting

A Pimp's Notes300300100----700
The Trial and Death of Socrates-200--200200100700
Planet of the Apes100-200--100-400
Genocidal Organ----100300-400
Norwegian Wood---300---300

Next: Wetlands
Nearly: The Trial and Death of Socrates / A Pimp's Notes

Theme for next meeting's nomination: Classics

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

QMBC XXI: Inferno


Dan Brown

The Bull and Castle, Lord Edward St, Dublin.
26th June 2013

One Sentence Summaries

Ramius Valderón: An infernal damnation of monochromatic text.

William Clay: Dantexpect a good book.

Whitby Syme: I felt as though I were running on foot through the Florentine streets of Florence with pursuing military-trained soldiers in hot pursuit.

Mycroft Webb: (1) What grade will I give this book? H+
(2) Would I read another Dan Brown book? I'm Inferno more.

Tiger McGavin: Unfortunately I couldn't find the secret passage to escape this book.

Carl Jameson: Not so much an Inferno as a hot steaming pile.

Guisseppe Wellman: Overpopulated with nothing iconic.


Whitby Syme: 43/83
Characters: 4/20
Execution: 10/20
Food for thought: 6/10
Plot: 14/20
Extra points: 3/13

Ramius Valderón: 35/83
9 Circle of Hellness: 9/9
Ocean's 11: 0/11
Better than Big: 5/15
Speed of Read: 10/18
Eideticness: 1/30

Tiger McGavin: 46/83
Action: 9/13
Well writtenness: 2/13
Sexiness: 4/8
Quincey Morrisness: 10/14
Interestingness: 6/15
Unputdownableness: 15/20

William Clay: 25/83

Mycroft Webb: 40/83
Well writtenness: 5/15
Action: 10/20
Unputdownableness: 8/20
Characters: 4/15
Art Historyness: 13/13

Carl Jameson: 32/83
39%: 32/83

Guisseppe Wellman: 39/83
Page Turnability: 19/27
Plot: 14/28
Characters: 6/28

Inferno earned a QMBC rating of 37.14 / 83.


As a change of pace, the nomination process was run differently at QMBC XXI. The titles and authors of the nominated books were undisclosed, and the gentlemen of the QMBC were privy only to the contents of page 99 of each nominated book (taking the idea inspiration from The Page 99 Test).

Below are the notes which were minuted during the readings of each page 99, followed by the identities of the books which were revealed after voting was concluded and the winner known.

Ramius Valderón:
Notes: Hawthorne. BJ. Skull. Three way? Showers. Earpiece. Military? Garden. Family discussion.
Book: Hawthorn and Child by Keith Ridway

Tiger McGavin:
Notes for nomination 1: Pyjamas. Bed. Girl-woman. Cock. Virgin Mary.
Notes for nomination 2: Camel toe. ROFL. Charlie Sheen. Daddy. Ronan. Northside accent. Cigar.
Book 1: Women by Charles Bukowski
Book 2: The Shelbourne Ultimatum by Ross O'Carroll Kelly 

Whitby Syme:
Notes: Cats.
Book: Tuf Voyaging by George R. R. Martin

William Clay:
Notes for nomination 1: Toilet. Piss. Guts. Eggs. Jamie. Pub. Walk.
Notes for nomination 2: Fire. Omi-san. Blackthorn. Barbarian. Boy fainted. Samarai. Hai. Piss.
Book 1: The Wasp Factory by Iain Banks
Book 2: Shogun by James Clavell

Mycroft Webb:
Notes: Fear. School. Exists. Panic attack. Boy. Sweaty.
Book: The Pale King by David Foster Wallace

Carl Jameson:
Notes: Filthy hands. Trapped. Turd. Plunger. Dinner parties. Easter.
Book: Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

Guisseppe Wellman:
Notes: Humiliation. Hebrew. Rome. Herod census? David.
Book: The Gospel According to Jesus Christ by José Saramago

The Voting

Hawthorn and Child--100---300400
The Shelbourne Ultimatum-----200-200
The Wasp Factory100------100
Tuf Voyaging300--200---500
The Pale King--300100200-100700
The Gospel According to Jesus Christ200200--100--500
Me Talk Pretty One Day-1002003003003002001400

Next: Me Talk Pretty One Day
Nearly: The Pale King

Theme for next meeting's nomination: Books which were originally published in a language other than English.