QMBC XXIII: Wetlands

Reading

Wetlands

by

Charlotte Roche

The Globe, George's St, Dublin.

15th October 2013

One Sentence Summaries

Ramius Valderón: itS MEGMA once you BRAKE the back of it.

Mycroft Webb: Charlotte Roche. More like Hot Rectal Chore.

William Clay: Scheisse.

Whitby Syme: "Charlotte, that's a helluva book. What do you call it?" "The Aristocrats!"

Carl Jameson: (no one sentence summary provided)

Tiger McGavin (in absentia): Wetlands? You mean "Let's try and shove it up my ass"-lands.

(McGavin went on...) It was a book that added nothing to society or to literary sciences. It should be burned, like I wanted to burn my eyes after reading it.

Scores

Whitby Syme: 31/83

Characters: 10/20

Execution: 12/20

Food for thought: 4/10

Plot: 5/20

Extra points: 0/13

Carl Jameson: 44/83
Lady info: 20/20
Quincey Morrisness: 4/10
Butt stuff: 20/53

Ramius Valderón: 19/83
Plot: 4/20
Plausibility: 1/23
Body exploration: 10/20
Length and girth: 4/18

Mycroft Webb: 44/83
Interestingness: 12/20
Well writtenness: 15/25
Plot: 4/15
Quincey Morrisness: 3/13
Weird bonernicity: 10/10

William Clay: 2/83
Dislikable characters: 6/10
Memorableness (unfortunate): 7/10
Motion sickness: 3/5 days
Quincey Morrisness: 0/15
All that's good and decent in Christendom: -14/43

Tiger McGavin: 15/83

Wetlands earned a QMBC rating of 25.83 / 83.

This score makes Wetlands the most poorly received book read by the QMBC to date, perhaps stirring up nostalgia for the heady days when we enjoyed works like Galileo's Dream or The Cobra. It seems useful at this juncture to view the rating in context:

One might look for trends in such a chart, though I fear the only conclusion we can draw is that the gentlemen of the QMBC are as capable today of polishing published words in their nomination pitches, as they were when the infamous Hero with a Thousand Faces was brought before the group.

Jameson, on pitching Wetlands, aroused certain anticipations in the group which, when confronted with the reality of the book, were struck down as if by the proverbial wooden spoon in the hand of a legitimate masseuse.

Nominations

The theme for this meeting's nominations was 'classics'.

William Clay:

- Confessions of an English Opium-Eater by Thomas De Quincey
- Three Men on the Bummel by Jerome K. Jerome

Whitby Syme:

- Lord Jim by Joseph Conrad
- Seven Pillars of Wisdom by T. E. Lawrence

Carl Jameson:

- The Man Who Folded Himself by David Gerrold
(Jameson acknowledged that a novel from 1973 could hardly be considered a classic, except as a classic of the time-travelling-sex-with-self genre.)

Mycroft Webb:

- Moby Dick by Herman Melville

The Voting

Book	Jameson	Webb	Clay	Valderón	Syme	Total
Confessions	200	200	-	300	200	900
Three Men on the Bummel	-	-	-	-	-	-
Lord Jim	-	100	200	100	-	400
Seven Pillars	300	300	300	-	-	900
The Man Who Folded Himself	-	-	-	-	100	100
Moby Dick	100	-	100	200	300	700

Next: Seven Pillars of Wisdom

Nearly: Confessions of an English Opium-Eater